Paralyzed

"She never felt like she belonged anywhere, except for when she was lying on her bed, pretending to be somewhere else."

~ Rainbow Rowell Eleanor and Park

Falling into a reverie has always been the closest thing to heaven on earth.
Whenever everything fell apart, you could simply close your eyes and slip into another world of your own making.
The hardest part has always been resurfacing back to reality, and having to deal with the world's mournful wreckage.
Yet it turns out there's something far more painful: losing the ability to dream at all.
The moment when closing your eyes no longer opens doors to other worlds, only shadows.
The colors fade, the sceneries disappear, and all that remains is darkness.

You'd think it's age that stole the dreams..

But no. That's not it.
It's actually the weight of a heart, growing heavier each day.
You could hear the cracking...feel the splinters that spread across its fragile edges.
And it's like one of them found its way into the mind, leaving it paralyzed, and leaving you terrified.
For dreams had once been the only weapon against despair, and now they're gone.
All that's left is these dark shadows lingering around, turning each scream into a silent wail.

If only there was a way to mend the heart… to piece these fractures back into something whole, and melt away that splinter that has shackled the mind.
It might take a lifetime to fix a broken heart, and sometimes it only learns to survive, not truly heal...
But you'll have to live with that as it is.
Because maybe this is part of growing up.
Maybe this is what it feels like to have to let go of your old dreamy self and unwillingly step into the real world.
You’ll need to adopt a new defense, find a way to face this cruel world alone.
For a storm is coming — one that may consume whatever traces of strength you have left. And straining your mind to slip into a trance will no longer be enough.

Open wounds will still sting for long.
And even the smallest misstep could reopen a scar that had only just begun to fade..
But what else is there to do, except keep trying… for to give up is to stop living at all.