Paralyzed

"She never felt like she belonged anywhere, except for when she was lying on her bed, pretending to be somewhere else."

~ Rainbow Rowell Eleanor and Park

Falling into a reverie has always been the closest thing to heaven on earth.
Whenever everything fell apart, you could simply close your eyes and slip into another world of your own making.
The hardest part has always been resurfacing back to reality, and having to deal with the world's mournful wreckage.
Yet it turns out there's something far more painful: losing the ability to dream at all.
The moment when closing your eyes no longer opens doors to other worlds, only shadows.
The colors fade, the sceneries disappear, and all that remains is darkness.

You'd think it's age that stole the dreams..

But no. That's not it.
It's actually the weight of a heart, growing heavier each day.
You could hear the cracking...feel the splinters that spread across its fragile edges.
And it's like one of them found its way into the mind, leaving it paralyzed, and leaving you terrified.
For dreams had once been the only weapon against despair, and now they're gone.
All that's left is these dark shadows lingering around, turning each scream into a silent wail.

If only there was a way to mend the heart… to piece these fractures back into something whole, and melt away that splinter that has shackled the mind.
It might take a lifetime to fix a broken heart, and sometimes it only learns to survive, not truly heal...
But you'll have to live with that as it is.
Because maybe this is part of growing up.
Maybe this is what it feels like to have to let go of your old dreamy self and unwillingly step into the real world.
You’ll need to adopt a new defense, find a way to face this cruel world alone.
For a storm is coming — one that may consume whatever traces of strength you have left. And straining your mind to slip into a trance will no longer be enough.

Open wounds will still sting for long.
And even the smallest misstep could reopen a scar that had only just begun to fade..
But what else is there to do, except keep trying… for to give up is to stop living at all.

I hereby confess #1

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain”
   - Frank Herbert, Dune

I confess that being scared is an integral part of me.
I'm always scared. Of everything and everyone.
It's one of many feelings I have no control over. And that scares me even more.
No matter how much I'm reassured that everything will be okay, I'm still scared.
No matter how many promises are made to me, I'm still scared.
No matter how many times I've managed to conquer fear, I'm still scared.
Overwhelming isn't it?
I could literally write a ten-page manifesto on everything that scares me. I could even rank my fears from the mildly unsettling to the truly terrifying. And even then, I'd barely scratch the surface.

I know I'm not the only one here.
We are all scared of something, right?

Or are we all scared of everything?
I think fear is actually the ultimate link that brings this whole world together.
It's the behind-the-scenes puppeteer that controls it all.
You form your own social circles, because you want company? Or because you're scared of being alone?
You aspire to a career you love, because you wanna be successful? Or Because you're scared of being a failure?
We are all scared..and probably of the same things. And this makes us ONE.
It's a little relieving, I'm not gonna lie.
Kinda makes it easier for me to accept my reality.
For I've always thought that fear is a weakness. MY weakness.

But you know what? It's not a weakness. It's a beast.
A beast that's gonna eat me alive if I don't manage to tame it.
That is if it hasn't started sinking its claws into my skin already.
Because I can feel the bleed.
I know that it will always be there. That there's no way to actually kill it.
So I will just need a way to cope with it.
To not let it paralyze me like it always does.
I have no idea how I'm gonna do that.
But hopefully, I won't get too scared to try...

Defying The Siren Call

There's nothing easier than giving in to your fantasies.
Diving into a world where you're actually in control for once.
You wish you'd never leave. But at some point you must go back to earth. And that's when reality welcomes you with a big slap on the face. 

Yet the siren call keeps whispering in your head to dive back. And you can do nothing but yield.

Even when you know there's an inevitable sting that awaits you every time you return.
It's the same as addiction really.
These fleeting moments of freedom and control are what you live for.
But at some point living only for a moment isn't enough anymore. You yearn for more.
But you know it's not possible.
You know your trance was never real in the first place. It was just an ephemeral escape. 

That's when you need to take a stand.
Otherwise the next time you dive, the abyss won't let you go.
So you need to take a deep breath and let all these ghosts you kept running away from catch up to you.
And we both know this clash is going to be a chaotic maelstrom.
But you just need to endure it as long as you possibly can.

You'll have to bid farewell to all the versions of people you created in the dreamscape. Let go of all the scenarios you wish existed in the real world.

You'll have to learn to adapt to your reality.
Accept it.
And it's not going to be easy.
God, it's going to be the hardest thing you ever have to do. 
Because closing that door means leaving a part of your soul behind.
And it will keep trying to pull you back in.
But it's a sacrifice that you're compelled to make.
It's the only way to break yourself free from the jaws of oblivion.

You know you won't be the same.
A part of you will be missing. Your essence.
And its echo will keep haunting you for the rest of your life.
But here's the trick.
You need to find an anchor to stop you from drifting back into the void.
Something that makes the real world somewhat bearable.
A reason to embrace each morning, rather than merely endure the hours until nightfall.
Once you do find it, you'll get enough strength to live with whatever is left of you.
You'll find peace ashore, and the siren call will finally wane.

The Mighty War

Ever heard of that saying "too many cooks spoil the broth" ?
It's a very underestimated concept actually. Because if you think about it, it's really true.

To have more than one entity calling the shots can be disturbing.
And it's even more disastrous when both entities...are you.

There comes a point in your life when you are forced to stop facing any external enemies, because you realize that you're suddenly a part of a life-threatening tug of war.
And unfortunately you're on neither side.

You're in the middle.
You, my friend, are the frayed rope.
And no side shall win unless the other subsides. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time before you're torn apart.

It's kind of barbaric, isn't it?
The essence of your sanity is controlled by two entities that have never been more different from one another.
Each one fights to have the upper hand, and none is willing to show some mercy and let you go.
Eventually you become so desperate that your only wish is for your mind to shut up and your heart to slow down, even if it's just for a little while. Your utmost dream is to take a deep breath, without having a scream clawing at your throat.

And I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this desperate wish of yours will never be granted.
Unfortunately this is not like the usual kind of war; good vs evil or right vs wrong.
It's a war where both sides are right, and each side is nowhere ready to ceasefire.
And before you say anything, no. Your mind isn't always the rational one. It's a tricky beast, trust me.
As for the heart, now that is one hell of a wild cat.
You see, if you have any chance of taming your mind, you won't be so lucky with your heart, for the heart wants what it wants.

So, there're two possible endings here.
Either, by some miracle, whatever made your heart clash into your mind will resolve on its own. And I wouldn't really count on that possibility.
Or you will find the strength to take over a side and pull down the other.

But beware.
This might very much awaken another monster lurking in the shadows, and there's no guarantee it will not be the one taking over your last breath.

I really wish there was a way to keep both parties in line at all times. But I'm afraid every time you try to make them see eye to eye will only wear you out even more.

But you know what?
There's one more possible ending for this.
It's going to be your last resort, if everything else fails. Or it might be your first choice, if you're too weary.
My friend, this is a once in a lifetime war, and trust me if fate has it in for you there will be no way for you to slip away.
So, if you're unlucky enough to get caught up in this kind of war, do nothing.
Just stand still, take in the sun, and pray for your soul to quickly wither away.

A Broken Promise

Let me tell you the one cardinal rule that has no exception; nothing lasts forever.

I know how desolate this may sound. But I'm afraid it's the inevitable truth.
Some optimists might actually see this as a good thing. That this means that pain and grief and all sorts of agony are only temporary.
And it's true, they are.
But so is joy and peace and every positive thing you can ever feel.
None of it will last forever.

And I'm completely fine with this fact. Maybe it's actually for the best. 
But what I cannot accept is when this rule overrides basic human emotions and applies to humans themselves.
This means that no matter how much effort you make to keep people around, they'll eventually leave.
No matter how much you try give love and support, it will all backfire right through your heart.

So why bother?
Why make promises that we know we can never keep?
Why build dreams and make plans if we know that some day they will all turn to ashes?
Why keep fighting for relationships we know won't last?
Want to know why?
Because we are delusional.
It's actually kind of pathetic.
We hold on to this very dim glimmer of hope that things will turn around, that people will do for us as we do for them.
And even if they do fight for us for some time, at some point they'll just let go, even if we were still in the middle of the battle at the other end.

Unfortunately that's what you realize as you grow older. You start to see that the light at the end of the tunnel is nothing but raging fire. And the sooner you figure this all out, the less it will eventually hurt.
Your friend will turn into a stranger one day..
Your soulmate will become a mere mortal..
And your family bonds will just fray with time..
 
Because this is how life goes.
Even the strongest of relationships succumb to the weight of reality.
And you know that the only fact in your life, is that you will always be on your own.
And you can make as many promises as you like, nothing will last forever.

So here's my advice.
Embrace yourself.
Trust no one.
And try...just try not to get attached.
Afterall, it's not about whether or not you keep the promise, it's about when you're going to break it.

شبح بداخلى

إ

إلى من لا أقوى على النجاة بدونه..

لقد كتبت لك مئات من الرسائل من قبل، ولكن هذه هى المرة الأولى التى أرسل واحدة منها بالفعل.

ولتكن بداية مراسلاتنا اعتراف..

اعتراف بأنى لا اؤمن أنى سأقابلك يوما فى نسخة هذا العالم.
فأنت جزء خلقته في خيالى منذ زمن، وطالما كنت مثل حلم بعيد، أزوره كلما ضاق بى الواقع.
وتصالحت مع فكرة أنك وليد هواى أنا، تعيش في ذاكرتى بعيد عن أعين العالم.
قد يفاجئنى القدر فى مرة، ويصنع من نسيج خيالى حقيقة...ولكن حتى يحدث ذلك، سأكتب إليك هنا.

مع الوقت ستعرف أن الكتابة هي لغة تواصلي المفضلة.
ليست الأفضل بالتأكيد، ولكنها الأسلم.
فأنا أستطيع ترتيب أفكارى هنا...على الورق.
أما في الخارج، فالأمر يستلزم قوة، وشجاعة، وهدوء، وثبات، وكل صفة يمكن أن تخطر ببالك ولا أملكها أنا.
وهنا...يأتى دورك.
فأنت يا عزيزى تمثل القطعة المفقودة فى أحجيتى..

أنت الشبح الذى يطاردنى مع كل خطوة ولا أتمنى اختفائه أبدا.
يلازمنى خيالك أكثر من ظلى، وينير لى الطريق ولو في الظلام.
ولن أخفى عليك، أدمنت وجودك بجانبى.
أدمنت ربتاتك الرقيقة على قلبى في المرات التى أنكمش فيها على نفسى هربا ممن حولى.
وأدمنت صوتك في أذنى كلما تراجعت خوفا من شيء ما.

فأنا لا أعتبر نفسى ضعيفة حتى أراك..
فى لحظة تخور كل قواى، وتسقط كل أدرعى، وأرتمى أرضا لألقى بكل أثقال عالمى عليك.
وإنى لأكره هذه الحقيقة...فهى تعنى أنى أحتاجك أكثر مما أريد أن أعترف.
فلست أعلم مصدر قوتك، ولا أستطيع أنا التغلب على مصدر ضعفى.

ولكن حتى تتغير خطط القدر لنا، سأتقبل فكرة أنك الفارس الكامن بداخلى، وسأظل أستمد منك قوتى سرا.
أعرف أنك مدفون في جزء أعمق من أن تطوله يداى، وأن هالة سحرك لن تصلنى فى كل مرة أحتاجك فيها. ولكن يكفينى الآن أن أعرف أنك هنا معى...ولو من بعيد.

كانت هذه هى الرسالة الأولى..وأعدك أنها لن تكون الأخيرة..

استسلام

 "هل كنتِ تنوين القفز حقا؟"

سؤال غريب.

أنا أقف على سور جسر شاهق. أرى انعكاس صورتي يتموج على صفحات الماء..

أستند على عمود قديم لا يختلف كثيرا في خدوشه عنى، وأصابعى توازن بين التشبث والإفلات..

أتململ على السور... قدم ثابتة، وقدم تفكر في الاستسلام..

وتأتي أنت وتسألنى هل كنت أنوى القفز حقا؟

ماذا سيعنيك إذا عرفت الإجابة؟

ماذا لو قلت "نعم كنت سأقفز فعلا"؟

هل ستسجل في دفترك الصغير أن حالتى خطيرة وأنه يجب أن أسجن في مصحة؟

هل ستبدأ في وصف الحبوب التي يجب أن أتجرعها يوميا على أمل أن تخلصنى من جنونى؟

هل سترغمنى علي الجلوس في دائرة مع مرضى آخرين يحكون تجاربهم وتحاول أن تقنعنى أن حياتى ليست بهذا السوء؟

هل ستختلف نظرتك لى؟

لماذا؟

لأنى لا أخشى الموت أكثر ما أخشى الحياة بذاتها؟

لأنى لم أتعلق بهذه الدنيا وهذه الجثث من حولى كما تعلقت بها أنت؟

لأنى مللت من عدم قدرتى على التفرقة بين اليوم والأمس؟ 

لأنى لم أعد أنتظر شمس الغد أن تشرق لأنى أعلم أنها ستغيب ككل يوم بلا فارق؟

إذا دعنى أقل لك أنى لا أهتم إن كنت سترانى مجنونة..

فأنا لا أراك عاقلا في الأساس.

فلا عاقل يختار أن يتمسك بهذه الحياة عن طيب خاطر.

وأنا لا أريد هذه الحياة.

هل كنت أنوى القفز حقا؟

كنت أريد أن أقفز...أكثر من أى شئ.

فالصفعة لن تأخذ أكثر من دقيقة.

يد تتمسك بعمود مهترئ..وقدم تتعلق في الهواء.

نسمات هواء تصافح وجهى..للمرة الأخيرة.

يد تودع العمود..وقدم تسحب جسد فارغ ورائها.

أغلق عيني..وأشعر بثقل الارتطام.

ثم أشعر بلسعات الماء البارد تحتضن جسدى.

ودوامات تأخذنى معها للأعماق.

ومخزون الهواء يتطاير من رئتى، ومع كل فقاعة هواء يتلاشى جزء منى.

كنت أظن أنى سأقاوم..إذا لم يكن بروحى..فبجسدى، لكن كل خلية فيه استسلمت منذ زمن بعيد.

أفتح عيني..

ظلام..

أهو ظلام القاع؟

أم ظلام قلبى؟

أم ظلام الموت؟