The Memory Version

One of the signs of maturity is accepting the fact that some people are just not meant to stay forever. They don't have to be some sort of a life lesson either.
They only pass by to become a memory.
A vague memory that fades away with time, but never really disappears.

And whether good or bad, there will always be a little bit of heartbreak. And it will take you some time to mourn their loss and eventually move on.

But here comes the tricky part. You never actually move on. Not completely. Because letting go defies our natural instinct as humans.
We are gregarious creatures. We get attached. Hooked to the people we accidentally stumble upon along the way. And sometimes we don't miss the person at all, but miss the way they made us feel.
We miss feeling our heart skip a beat when they smile because of something we said.
And we miss feeling the same heart ache if we ever hurt them.
We miss the talks, the laughs, the looks..
We miss the perfect version we created of them in our mind. And the perfect life we maybe shared in another parallel universe.
We miss how we saw ourselves around them.

But you know what's really sad?
It's the possibility that they may never know.
They may never know how deeply influential they were, even if they were only a fleeting presence in our life.
They may never know they're the reason for that smile we put on whenever we walk on that specific street, because we remembered something silly they said. Or that they are the reason for that lump we feel in our throat when we realize they're no longer walking beside us.
They may never know that we cherished the few moments we had with them. 
They may never know, and they may not even care.

And what's even sadder?
You don't always get to say goodbye. 
Sometimes it just happens. Out of no where.
One day they're right there up front and center. Next thing you know.. they're not even on the bench.
And you never know why.
Their existence in your life simply withers into a mere memory...
No chance for closure, that is.

We miss them.
And we can't deny that sometimes we wish to see them again, to talk to them one more time.
But we know it won't happen. And even if it did, what are we are going to say?
Will they even be the same people or will we be meeting a totally different version? A version that can possibly ruin whatever was left of them in our heart?

No way to know..
So we settle for the memory.

We hold on to it and the little joy it may bring to our life every now and then.
And we grasp for air every time the heart remembers the pain they left behind.
And we try to move on, even though we know we never will.

Human

After many years of overthinking and contemplating my very own existence, I think I found out why I hate interacting with humans.

It's pretty simple actually. Humans are unnecessarily complicated creatures.
They somehow know how to sit you down and sap your energy leaving you feeling all empty inside...
You keep taking hit after hit, and every time you get up hoping that maybe..just maybe someone will show up and make it worthwhile.
But at some point it dawns on you that you are facing an uphill battle. There's no way to win, and no one will show up.
Because believe it or not, they're all the same. They all master the art of turning every relationship into a battle field.

But here's what I find ironic. We all think this way.
Try stopping a random person in the street and ask them "what makes your life difficult?"
I bet you it will involve someone in their life.

I mean it makes you wonder right? If we all feel that human relationships are so damn hard, then why on earth do we make it so?
Why can't relationships be just..direct?
Why can't we say what we just feel?
Why do we have to overthink every single step we intend to take, and fear how the other person would react?
Why do we have to play mind games and twist every beautiful thought for absolutely no reason?
Why can't we just be simple?!

You know, I tried to give humans a chance. I tried to get to know them..love them.
And for a moment I thought maybe this isn't so bad. But it was such a slap in the face.
Like I said, humans manage to manipulate each other in the most crucial way possible. And the sad part is? They always make you feel like you're the bad guy.

But it's okay. I've made peace with the fact that socializing with humans is not my thing. Because at some point I know I will find myself drowning in an endless surge of pain and confusion, and it will take me forever to find my peace again.
Human-animal interaction, on the other hand, now that I can handle.
I mean, it's a very straightforward relationship. You are good to the animal, it will be good to you. You act like a numskull, it scratches your eyes out. Simple right?
No mind games and no form of emotional abuse whatsoever.

So I learned my lesson the hard way.
Letting your guard down in this sinking world means you're doomed.
No matter how sweet or harmless they may seem, their thorns will always make your heart cry.
One small mistake. That's all it takes to drive you to build this mighty wall around yourself and swear to never tear it down.
This is why I chose to seek solace in solitude. It may look like a cage. But safe in a cage is better than getting eaten alive out there.
There's a very good chance I might end up being the crazy lady that only lives with her cats. But hey, at least my cats will never break my heart. Only when they die though.

But you know what makes me feel even more sick? It's the fact that I know that I'm not that much of angel myself. I know that I'm the bad guy in someone's life. I know I haven't been as simple as I wish to be.

So what does that make me?